


Breaking the habit

by Bookholicfangirl



Series: Voices [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis, References to Depression, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26843881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookholicfangirl/pseuds/Bookholicfangirl
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING!!!..(After the THE night).I don't know what's worth fighting forOr why I have to screamI don't know why I instigateAnd say what I don't meanI don't know how I got this wayI'll never be alrightSo I'm breaking the habitI'm breaking the habit tonight.(Breaking the habit by Linkin Park)..All the characters belong to CW's the flash 2014 and DCU.
Relationships: Barry Allen & Cisco Ramon & Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen & Iris West & Joe West, Caitlin Snow & Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells, Caitlin Snow & Joe West, Cecile Horton & Caitlin Snow, Cecile Horton & Cisco Ramon, Cecile Horton & Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells, Cecile Horton & Iris West, Cecile Horton/Joe West, Cisco Ramon & Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells, Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells & Jesse "Quick" Wells, Earth-2 Tess Morgan/Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells, Killer Frost & Caitlin Snow, Killer Frost & Cisco Ramon, Killer Frost & Iris West
Series: Voices [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1862728
Comments: 17
Kudos: 6





	1. The one battles always choose...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the incident in the bathroom Harry gets to see just a little bit of how much he truly matters to the team...

***

Memories consume like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

***

"What the hell?" was the first thing that got out of hi mouth before he tried to open his eyes which he regretted immediately as the LED lights above the door hit his eyes like daggers. His head hurt badly and his hands felt funny, specially his right hand. His body literally stung every ten inches. What the actual hell? He thought this time closing his eyes again.

"So you're finally catching up." He heard a female sarcastic voice. He tried to open his eyes again and raised his head a little bit from his pillow to find out it was Frost who stood beside his bed on his left, fixing an IV bag drip connected to his hand. "How do you feel Harry?" She asked softly this time looking down at him with a little concern. "I feel like my head is filled with cotton and someone had shoved a bag of sand down my throat." He answered dropping back on the bed. It was the first time he noticed how hoarse he sounded. He wasn't kidding though he actually felt like his head weighted a dozen kilograms. "That means okay." Said Frost looking past him to the other side of the bed. It was just then that he noticed they weren't alone. Turning his head he was faced with a very much concerned looking DA Cecile Horton. Ahhh, of course it all happened. He taught bitterly. He looked down at his plain gray sheets the moment their eyes met. Doing so he caught a sight of her bandaged forearm and a sense of shame and nausea washed over him. "I'll check up on you later." Said Frost a little bit awkwardly as she left the room.

 _Of course she'd rather not be here after everything I've done._ He thought bitterly to himself.

***

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

***

"No Harry that's not true." She said reaching out to his hand but he moved his hand away still looking down at the bed sheets. His hands were both bandaged and on his lap. He could say his right hand was doing worse by the looks of it. How did that happen again? He remembered everything half and half. Lots of his memories were unclear from the last few hours. He remembered getting ready for dinner he remembered the mirror and Cecile's bloodied forearm. He remembered that face, white and dead...

***

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more than any time before

I have no options left again

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

***

He grimaced at the thought and shut his eyes. _How could she even look at him?_

"Well it sure would have been a lot easier if you first looked at me you know" she answered his thoughts with a fond voice.

"Do you mind... Can you please not do that?" Harry said with a small voice as he raised his head looking at her. Aside from the bandage on her hand she looked normal. She sat in the chair beside his bed where it was placed between two beds. One of the few furnitures in his room. "Sorry" she said quickly with a shy chuckle "BUT" she continued loadly making him jump slightly " Harry non of what happened was your fault and to answer your previous very not wise thought no, she didn't know what happen." She finished still looking at him with a mixture of affection and worry.

"You didn't tell them?" He asked unbelievingly. _Why would she let him get away with this? Dammit why would Joe let him?_

***

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

***

She didn't say anything either respecting his request pretending to. He was thankful either way.

"Why?" He said instead.

"We thought it's better that way to keep it to ourselves for now as long as you agree to let us help "

"But I'm fi..."

"No Harry , no buts..." She said firmly and reached out again this time putting her hand on top of his." She continued her voice softening ," we both know that it's not true. And yes Joe actually believed it was better to not to tell everyone everything but Harry this can be dangerous... And NO! NOT TO THE OTHERS!" She said the last sentence a bit frustrated. "If you want me to stop reading your mind then you should stop thinking stupid" she gave his hand a gentle pat. "Look what it's doing to you. This isn't something you go through alone Harry. Cisco would literally kill us if he knows we'll keeping secrets from them. He was so worried about you. So were Joe, Caitlin and even Frost for crying out loud. You don't have to do this alone anymore, any of it. We're a team Harry." Her gaze held so many emotions at the same time that it almost took all left in him to not to look away. Cecile's words reminded him awfully of Snow's words after Grodd incident.

"What did you tell them anyway?" Was all he could came up with. After all it wasn't bad to get a little heads up if it came up. " Oh that one's on Joe actually. He came up with sth along you had a panic attack and passed out. Apparently it's all they knew already and Joe thought it's better if we stop there. He knew you wouldn't appreciate everyone just acting weird and fussing about it."

Because two and half is already enough?" He said with a mischievous gleam in his eyes letting her know he didn't really mean it.

Cecile felt a pang of pride in her chest as a small mischievous small appeared on his face. It wasn't something big but it was enough for now. "Ha Ha, very grown up of you." She said chuckling and moving her hand upper to slap him playfully on the shoulder. "Ouch!" Harry instinctively pulled away as her hand brushed over a sore spot on his shoulder. "Sorry" che said chewing on her bottom lip shyly. "It's ok DA Cecile Horton, if anyone's going to apologize for anything now it should be me ." Said Harry looking between her arm and face. "Harry it was an accident ." She said gently. He didn't say much just nodded looking down. Even if he meant to say something he didn't as they were interrupted by the sound of his stomach growling. "And that's our cue to dinner." Cecile rubbed his hands together with enthusiasm. "It's almost midnight" he answered confused. "Only one more reason to hurry up" she got up a way faster than she had to be able to with the pregnancy. Harry wanted to decline at first. He really didn't feel like eating after everything and he still felt almost nauseous but he thought he already had given the West family enough headache for the night and it wasn't safe to keep a pregnant woman all worried, hungry and sleepless for so long. He put his palms on the bed slowly and turned a little to left to get out of bed. He realized his boots were neatly placed on the ground beside his shelves. He grabbed them and put them on with stern moves.

***

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

***

_Falling on a glass covered floor was a good idea, NOT!_ He felt every muscle stretching over his bones but preferred not to say anything for his own sake. DA Cecile Horton was a wonderful soul but she had the tendency to become a complete pain in his neck! Getting up he noticed his rain coat wasn't also on the ground anymore and was folded on one of the shelves. Looking down he realized he wasn't wearing anything but a black t-shirt and a new pair of pants which he had know idea how he has gotten into and really did not want to ask how. He picked up a gray oversized sweater and pulled it over his head a little struggling. "Need a hand?" He heard Cecile's chuckle from the other side of the room. "Nah, I have a feeling I'm not going to see the end of these pants situation already" Harry said with a grumpy expression as he finally managed to wear the offensive piece of clothe. He moved toward the door joining her as they moved out of the room.

_________________________________

Joe had warmed up the meal when he got a "he's up" text from Frost. Cecile had decided if they stayed a little longer with the scientist and suggested that they offer him a guest room. During past three years he always stayed in one of the rather comfortable forgotten staff break-time rooms of the lab when he needed to rest or crash for the night but leaving here without a chance to go out much for such a long time seemed impossible to him.it was very similar to the one they always gathered in for break and coffee. He always wondered how Harry stayed here so much. He made up a story to tell Frost and Caitlin when he called them. Something to save the scientist a little privacy and to feed their curiosity and worries for now. He decided to let Harry himself handle Cisco. The heater just beeped the moment Harry and Cecile entered the room. It was larg room. There was set of white sofas and armchairs in the center of the room, all by one covered with plastic sheets. A small kitchen was in the far left corner. There was a red counter separating the kitchen from the rest of the room. A set of cabinets behind it with a black coffee machine, a heater and set of jars that held coffee ingredients and biscuits on top of it . There was a similarly black refrigerator on their side. There were four metal chairs around the counter were he laid the food on it.

"Right on time." He leaned over the counter to peck Ceicle on the lip. It was so casual that almost reminded Harry of his life with Tess. She missed her a lot these days. Tess with her ridiculously golden hair and insanely blue eyes. She had the brightest smile in the world. Well aside from Jesse. She had her mother's smile. He remembered how she always knew how to handle him. She always knew when he was feeling down. The truth was that Harry always had a little trouble with his thoughts. He usually lost himself down his spirals sometimes losing the line between the reality and his imagination. Yes he always had a little trouble with rage and he was slightly anal(and he knew even saying slightly anal he ment clinically OCD.) But none of those scared her as much as this did. He never truly cared for himself. Not that he was suicidal but he always had more important issues to attend to and was a little bit reckless yeah but what scared him was how it affected others around him. Not he cared much for people he always told himself but there were some he cared about deeply. He remembered how he used to meet someone for this because Tess insisted it was important to get professional advice. He remembered how she always was by his side when he had an episode as his therapist used to call it but he didn't do any of that after the accident. He had it under control and didn't have time for distraction as it was up to him to raise Jesse all on his own. He remembered it all but and he knew this was far from over.

"Harry!" He heard Joe calling his name rather loudly. "Excuse me detective I zoned out for a little bit, you were saying?" He answered politely eyes still unfocused. DA Cecile Horton was eyeing him with a sad smile. mind reader! Right! He mentally face palmed himself. "I said take a seat before it gets cold" joe answered sitting down. Harry took few slow steps towards the table and sat down. He looked up at the detective, weighing his words in his mind forming a proper kind of apology that covers all in the line of " sorry for scaring the shit out of you and sorry for worrying you and sorry for hurting your girlfriend who btw is pregnant with your child." He was about to open his mouth to say it as his hand reached for a pair of chopsticks but his words died in his throat as he saw a white blure on the balcony behind the glass doors.

***

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a kind of triggering sensitive conversation coming next chapter...  
> So be careful if you feel it might be troubling for you for any reason.
> 
> Be safe


	2. The rabbit howls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the edge Harry was looking for something to hang on to...
> 
> Title inspired by the book called that

"What the..." was the first thing that left Harry's mouth the moment he saw it.

"What? " Asked Joe as he turned to look at the empty balcony. Harry , now food forgotten, stood up and went around the table near the glass balcony door. He knew recently some serious stuff were going on with him but he knew reality. "Just a second ago a woman appeared and disappeared here..." He said not even looking at them as he scanned the balcony closely. "Harry are you su..." Cecile started but was interrupted by a loud alarm. With a quick look both men ran down the hallway to the cortex as she followed them as fast as she could turning just a second to look at the table with a frustrated look" damn this city" she thought as she moved towards the main room.

"Why people keep doing this..." Asked Iris spinning in the chair looking at Barry who has just entered the room.

"Who keeps... doing what...?" Barry stuttered confused rubbing the back of his head. His clothes were a little disheveled, his white shirt collar a little crumbled from underneath his red sweater. He had a long night at CCPD and has been looking forward to a calm night at the loft with Iris but apparently the city never resting metahumans had other plans. Instead of an answer Cisco played a security footage on one of the monitors on the wall. There was a young woman, probably on her late twenties, a fair pale face and waist length thick black hair. She was wearing a white dress that looked like something from the late 80s. She was wearing a dark Gothic make up that brought out his black eyes in the contrast with her pale skin.

Barry slowly moved forward standing in front of the main desk. "She kinda looks like a..."

"Don't say it!"

"Vamp...ire..."

Barry and Cisco said at the same time. "Dude..." Cisco raised his arms in a way that said what the hell. Like everyone else after Devo showed up he had a long day too. Everyday was a long day after that bastard came into their lives. He stood beside the LED monitor one hand on its left side. He just didn't want anyone to jinx the case, naming was hard after all.

"What does the facial recognition database says Ramon?" Asked Harry.

"The..." Cisco caught himself mid sentence.

"On it!" Frost exclaimed rather loudly as she got to work on one of the computers in the corner of the room. "No one checked the CCPD database?" Asked Joe unbelievably. It's been years since they've been doing it and this kids... He smiled to himself a little. "So her name..." Frost said turning to look at the screen. She continued,"Kay Challis, she was committed in a mental institution for DID and escaped under the domination of one of the host personalities called Jane when..."

"Isn't that the time dominators attacked?" Asked Cisco looking at the report.

"Yeah... According to the report apparently after years and years of psychological, physical and sexual abuse she has developed her condition and after an encounter with the dominators she has turned into a metahuman..." Iris read the report out loud.

"My goodness, " Harry bent over the desk behind Iris to read the report himself as she continued." And every single one of her alters have different superpower." 

"How many alters are there?" Asked Cisco hesitantly narrowing his eyes. He knew he was going to hate this.

"Try 64" answered Harry now done with the report " I can hear the rabbits howl..." He muttered more to himself as Cisco eyed him with a knowing look that made him uncomfortable enough to look away. "Guys this is crazy... How are we going to deal with 64 meta humans all at once..." Joe said pacing around a little." I mean this is just crazy!"

"Crazy... That's it ! Crazy... Crazy Jane! That's her name." Cisco jumped a little bit.

"1 down , 63 to go." Harry mumbled turning around to leave. 

"Haha very funny." Cisco made face. " Where are you going?" He screamed before Harry walked out.

Harry crossed his arms and turned to look at him. "We gotta figure out what are their powers and how to find them Ramon. We don't have much but we gotta start somewhere." He sounded frustrated as if tired of explaining everything and he turned to leave again. Cisco who had raised an eyebrow at Harry's choice of plural words moved to follow him knowing he was right. They gotta start from somewhere after all besides he might actually get a chance to talk with Harry after everything that happened today. He hated working at night but he felt like there was more to it than Joe and Cecile told them. The DA shot him a look as if knowing what he was thinking, which she probably did, but didn't say anything so he just left to join Harry in the workshop.

____________________________

When he reached their workshop, he couldn't remember since when he started to call it theirs to be honest, Harry was already sat behind the desk on the right side of the room deep in thoughts. "So where do we start?" He clapped his hands as he sat down behind the door on the other side of the room. He was expecting at least one snarky comment or at least some clue but he was met with silence. He could hear his hand moving over the keyboard and working but he didn't say anything.

Cisco turned in his chair. " Man, you heard me?" And waited. After almost a he was certain that Harry wasn't going to answer him and definitely wasn't going to answer him as he decided to start his own work. So He was caught off guard when he heard Harry's mumbling " Do you think That it's still there?"

He wasn't sure how to answer that. He wasn't even sure what Harry was talking about or if he was even talking to him at all.

"What's still where?" He asked moving a little toward the center of the room. Harry didn't say anything again for a few seconds but he had stopped working when Cisco talked so he thought that Harry was probably actually talking to him. It bothered him how the man seemed to think a lot before getting the right words.he was usually so fast with his words. 

"Kay... Do you think that it's still there? That part of her that..." His shoulders slumped and his voice got even more quiet than Cisco thought possible.

"You know, that part where she wasn't crazy and had not lost her mind? Is it still there fighting or she had... Stopped?" He turned around in his chair slowly facing Cisco yet not looking at him.

Cisco wasn't sure how to respond to that. He didn't know the answer and more importantly he didn't know where this was leading. So he asked instead. With Harry being straight forward was usually a successful tactic. "I don't know but why do you ask?"

As if the question somehow woken him up from sleep Harry suddenly sat straighter and pushed his glasses back a little with his right hand. " No reason, we should start with the places we know she's been to or mean something to her ." And he turned back to work. Cisco watched him for a little longer now he was sure that a lot has happened that evening and he didn't know the whole story. For now he decided he would let Harry do this job. Tommorow he'll look for some answers.

Harry turned and kept surfing the GPS and satellite scans knowing Cisco was still watching him. He glanced over the meta's photo on the file that was laying on his desk. Her eyes looked empty, and dark. Her lips stretched in a thin line it almost reminded him of..." _No_ " he told himself. " _Not now_!"

He got back to work but he couldn't help but think about how long Kay had faught before she lost it all. What if there was nothing worth fighting for after all?

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys sorry for the delay... I have a kind of situation going on these days so ... Sorry.  
> I'm writing on my friends phone which kinda sucks so please don't mind the spelling. Btw here goes drum roll.... CRAZY JANE!  
> She's one of my most favorite DC characters and I hoped we could have seen her on Arrowvers sometimes. I have a little of her original back story in the fic if you don't know her.
> 
> Kodus and comments are appreciated. Lemme know what you think.


	3. The silence before the thunderstorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry slept dreaming of gray eyes, bloodied hands and a faceless man tearing his soul apart strand by strand. 

Cisco has been gone for almost an hour when Harry decided to leave the workshop. It was 3am and he felt really exhausted. After everything that happened he felt like he could sleep for hours and eat of course he thought as his stomach twisted painfully. Maybe he could give Ramon's snack stash a visit or perhaps DA Cecile Horton might have left some leftovers for him. The thought brought a small smile on his face. He still felt guilty about what happened but also thankful that it was Cecile who found him. He rounded the far corner of the hall to get to the small kitchen they had in one of the resting rooms. Before he reached the door fresh coffee smell hit his nose. Weird he thought to himself , hasn't everyone left already? 

He tried to enter the room silently. The first thing that caught his attention was the woman in front of him. Young, black hair, black jumper over a hunter green t-shirt and jeans, a pair of equally green all Stars, with a simple nude makeup on her sharp features. She was nursing a mug of coffee leaning on the kitchen island. There was nothing wrong with the image in general except that it was no one but Kay, and no he wasn't gonna call the lady crazy Jane as Ramon said although it sounded a lot like something from Yeats's poems. Harry went instantly into defensive stance looking around for something he could use in a fight. He was going to kill Ramon one day for the labs security status.

"There is no need to be afraid... Sorry I don't know your name" said Kay now taking a step forward. Harry fought the urge to step back and stood his ground. "Doctor Harrison Wells" he said dryly.

"Not ours I believe by the looks of it" she took another step towards him raising her hand to shake his.

"Not yours" Harry confirmed nodding. He glanced at her stretched out hand not bothering to make a move to answer her greeting. "I believe you don't mind if we cut the formalities and get to the point. After all it's not your first visit."

"Ahhh... You met Flit. The great power teleportation. Very useful yet horrible communication skills . Win some lose some I guess." She stretched her hand a little further. " I'm Jane, Doctor if I meant you any harm trust me you would have known by now."

Harry looked at her again and shook her hand shortly. He moved to get to the kitchen passing her casually. "Do you mind?"

"By all means." Jane turned around and sat on the sofa behind her. They were both quiet as Harry opened the fridge and took out the definitely too big food container DA Cecile Horton has generously left for him and put it in the heater setting the proper time. He poured himself a mug of coffee as well. It wasn't like he could get a chance to sleep anyway. "Why are you here Jane?" He asked putting down his mug on the island. " I followed someone here. A man named Eric Morden but nowadays he goes with a more colorful name... Mr Nobody." She answered. Her look troubled as if remembering something. "I've heard people in here can help"

"You have 64 superpowers"

"63 actually I'm no meta. But what I am is new to this hero stuff and I could use a advice or few". A small "Hmmmm" was all Harry said as he sipped his coffee. He eyed her curiously. For some reason he had a feeling that they could trust her. The heater beeped reminding him that why he came here in the first place. "Hungry?" He simply asked. "No I'm good." He heard her his back to her. He didn't bother to get a plate or chopsticks, just a fork and he sat behind the counter and digged in. "Tell me more about this guy." Harry said before putting a mouthful of black bean noodles in his mouth. 

"You don't seem to be worried about my presence?" Kay , or Jane gave him a puzzled look. She was definitely expecting some fight or resistance at least before she got in the lab ,surprisingly easy actually, but this man didn't seem to be disturbed by her , well at least not much. "Well it's not like I can stop you if you want to do something." Harry said carelessly taking another bite from his food. _Curious_ she thought to herself.

"He was a normal person in the beginning," Jane said sinking into the sofa. Her eyes looking somewhere behind Harry on the wall. " Eric was a scientist who created a giant robot "Rog", which he offered to the Brotherhood of Evil in exchange for membership.

Once transformed into Mr Nobody, Morden gained ambiguous Godlike powers at the cost of his humanity and sanity. Rejecting science, Morden could now warp reality, possess people,alter their psyche and teleport seamlessly through time and space. " She looked troubled again when she finished talking.

Harry knew there was more to it . Something personal perhaps. But he decided not to ask yet. "And he's in central City?" He tried to focus on what was actually his concern at the moment. With Devo around already taking all their time this guy could probably cause some serious problems, brotherhood of evil didn't really seem like a charity organization. "I tracked him here. He moves a lot. Going different places to gather allies." Jane answered.

Harry who was now done with the meal not feeling like eating anymore put the rest of it back in the fridge. He poured himself another cup of coffee and leaned back against the cabinets. Was it all just a coincidence? Or Has Devo just waited all this time for the right people to be here? Were more people like Morden coming to the city in the future just to join him? Or maybe he was just being paranoid...

_"Why do you care? it's not like you can outsmart him or do something useful."_

He froze his cup halfway in the air. Suddenly his mouth felt dry and the uncomfortable feeling he had managed to ignore was back again. " Is everything ok?" He heard Jane's voice. Harry blinked few times and added some pressure on his injured left hand that was placed on the cabinet causing a little pain so he can concentrate on his surroundings again. " Have you heard of him?" She looked almost hopefull.

"No I have not." Harry walked towards the exit. "Rest here till the morning. It's safer if they hear from me about this first." And he walked out not waiting for her answer.

Harry put the empty mug on his bedside table. There was a painkiller pill box and antibiotics on a small plate there with an "eat me" note on it in Snow's handwriting as well. He took the antibiotics and sallowed them dry but didn't touch the painkiller just putting them in the small drawer of the table. His body was sore and his hands ached. A small blood stain was on the white bandage on his left hand were he had pressed it against the cabinet edge few minutes ago. Had he pushed that hard? He didn't really care. This pain was grounding him and he couldn't lose that now.

_"pathetic!"_

He winced. Closing his eyes as he felt a pressure on his mind. A heavy presence poisoning the air he was now having trouble to suck in his lungs.He took off his boots and pants the motions stern and painful and got under the bedsheets. It was a cold night he thought to himself. He could here the rain again from the air conditioning duct hitting it's metal walls. tap, tap tap, tap tap, tap tap tap tap. He buried himself under the sheet hoping it could block the unnerving sounds.

_"you can't ignore me forever. Soon I'll be all you have left"_

Harry pressed his hands against his ears. He knew there was nothing but the sound of rain drops coming from outside but he couldn't help it. "No more please. Not tonight. Please let it be no more..." He whispered to the empty room words coming out in small whimpers. It was quiet for a bit. It still felt uncomfortable and heavy and it frightened him like the silence before the storm but it was silence regardless and that was all he wanted at that moment. He fell asleep shortly, exhaustion finally overcoming his senses.

Harry slept dreaming of gray eyes, bloodied hands and a faceless man tearing his soul apart strand by strand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short. We're going to see me nobody soon though. Hope you like it.
> 
> Lemme know what you think.


	4. Just like Heroin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like heroin  
> It can't be me, bring us to our passage  
> Show me my new skin, so I can see what I've let in  
> Standing here with my thoughts  
> Low and sound, hard to understand  
> No one can ever bring everyone to see  
> Just like heroin, just excuses  
> Just like heroin, just excuses  
> Standing here with my thoughts  
> Low and sound, hard to understand  
> No one can ever bring everyone to see  
> Just like heroin, just excuses  
> Just like heroin, just excuses  
> Just like heroin!  
> Just like heroin!  
> It's my time to fade, dying on the floor  
> See myself as I am, excuses are  
> Just like heroin, just excuses  
> Just like heroin  
> Just excuses
> 
> "Just Like Heroin,Song by Grey Daze"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger warning for selfharm*****

To say that team flash was shocked to find Jane herself sipping coffee in their break room on 10am was an understatement. "What the hell is going on in here?" Was Cisco's first reaction. Jane looked up clearly caught off guard. She had stayed in that place as Wells has asked in order to prevent any further confusion as the guy promised he would break in the news to his friends. So couple dozen shocked faces,a raised gun and icicle and a very loud scream from the young black haired guy who was apparently still swearing and mumbling under his breath were not exactly what she expected. "So I take it your friend hasn't talked to you yet." She said putting down her coffee as she got up slowly."where is Harry?" Asked the black haired guy looking around , worry slowly settling in his features eyeing her suspiciously. Before they could continue Jane raised her hands as a sign of peace offering," if you mean Dr. Wells he's fine as far as I know. We talked last night and he said he'll talk to you but..."

"That plan went down like a led Balloon."

Everyone turned around to see Harry standing by the doorway in his normal black attire leaning on the door frame.

"Please start talking" Cisco demanded with frustration rubbing his face with one hand, His expression making him look like a 10 year old even more that his yellow t-shirt with a dancing pokemon on it.

"Coffee first..." Harry groaned as he passed them to get the coffee machine. Looking at him closely Cisco could tell that something seemed off. Harry just missed a chance to throw a snarky comment to his face. And he looked like he hasn't slept much recently and a little bit in pain maybe. It was usually hard to tell with Harry. He changed the settings to his usual and turned to face them. "I met Jane last night after you guys left, no thanks to you security system Ramon." He said the last part a little bit loudly. Cisco made a face and sat down on one of the chairs behind the counter half facing Harry, and half facing Jane. They all moved a little. Frost, Joe and Barry went a little closer as well. Still ready to break into action if necessary.

By the time Harry was done explaining the entire situation they've been all through their second coffee and also a little bit more comfortable. "Tell us more about this Mr nobody." Barry said being the first one to break the silence. "So you're just going to believe me?" Asked Jane rather confused. This people surely were full of surprises. "It's kinda our thing. " Answered Cisco shrugging, " although," he took a dramatic pause before he continued " it usually comes back to bite us in the ass".

She looked around the room. They seemed to be sharing the sentiment. Jane was expecting a lots of reactions, but this was not definitely one of them. "He's an evil being who can alter humans psyche and personalities, and can teleport through time and space or jump in their bodies. I believe he's looking for allies so anyone who can be considered as one can be a start." She told them. They all shared a knowing look like they were having a private inside conversation. Her eyes settled on Wells who was standing behind the counter. She has noticed he hasn't said anything in a while like he had totally checked out of the conversation after his part was over. " We might have some ideas." Said Cisco turning to look at her directly and continued" but I'm gonna need much more information."

"In the meantime," Harry spoke up suddenly out of nowhere reminding everyone that he was still there," I'll go to see if I can write an algorithm to track CFL quark matter particles to track his inter dimensional transportation."

"I'll join you later." Said Cisco as the older man left the room without any further words.

Harry entered the workshop and went straight towards his computer. Siting behind the desk and closed his eyes. "Deep breaths, just take a deep breath." He muttered under his breath. He took few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly fisting his hands on his thighs. He opened his eyes slowly just to be faced with the same picture. Standing in the corner of the room was a dead personification of himself staring at him just like it was since he woke up from his not so very peaceful sleep this morning. No words, no movement, just in the corner like a statue lips stretched in a thin line, staring at him with dead eyes. Harry held his breath. Aside from the bitter coffee that gave him a pause he couldn't snap out of it eversince. The feeling of detachment and the numbness filled him up. He kept holding his breath so much that he started to feel light-headed slowly. Infact The burning in his chest was the first thing he felt all morning.

He felt high. He hung on to it as much as possible till he couldn't anymore. Harry let the air out of his lungs with a shaky breath. His lungs burned with the need to suck in the fresh air. For a second it felt nice to feel something, anything. It felt like blood rushing to his brain. Just for a second. He closed his eyes again to concentrate on that feeling. It felt just like Heroin. He could control it, he could locate it and he could focus on it, remind him of what was real and what was not or so he told himself. Harry opened his eyes again this time keeping them on the screen in front of him and started to work.

Cecile has arrived at the labs in the evening. She has prepared herself for a mind-blowing experience for when she would meet Jane since joe told him about her. She was supposed to be 64 people all at once after all. But the utter silence was not indeed what she expected, well except for Cisco's and Caitlin's. That girl was sitting with Cisco and Caitlin in the cortex going through some data as she entered the main room . She's been coming there for her check up frequently eversince the pregnancy. "Cecile ! Hi! How are you doing today?" Asked Caitlin the moment she saw her coming through the door. "Hey guys! I'm doing fine!"she answered as she dropped her bag on one of the chairs. Cisco raised his hand in a waving motion as "Hi" and then pointed it midway in the air at the girl who sat beside him. " This is Jane"

The young woman waved at her awkwardly. " Cecile is Joe's girlfriend and one of the best DAs in the city, oh and she knows everything." Caitlin added as she walked towards the corner to the medbay. " Alright Cecile, let's see how's it going." She said with a smile waiting for the pregnant woman to join her. "I'll see you around." Said Cecile as she started to walk. She was still quite shocked by how quiet Jane's mind was. Like a haunted mansion. So quiet and yet not empty. It was this heavy presence hovering over her mind, Like a kind of echo, it felt aggressive and so heavy just like the ones of Har...

"Cecile?" Caitlin's words brought her back to the present. "What did you say?" She asked a little confused. "I said have you felt the child move today normally today?" Caitlin asked again.

"Yeah... yeah..." Cecile answered hesitantly.

"Is everything ok?" Asked Caitlin now worried guiding her to sit on the bed. "Cecile... If there is anything wrong..." She continued but Cecile stopped her. " No Caitlin everything is fine with the baby" seeing a somewhat comfort settling in the doctor's features she continued," I was wondering if you have seen Harry today?"

"Oh, well Frost saw him today I guess. She wrote for me that he told them about her. But I left some pills for him last night. Sedative and antibiotics. He should be just fine." She said as she checked her vitals. She nodded as she waited for Caitlin to be done. It took around 40 minutes before she was able to leave the medbay. Instead of the exit she decided to go through the labs. She could simply locate her friend's workshop from the light that was coming through the door at the end of the hallway. She went straight towards the door finding him sitting behind his desk staring at the computer. He had changed from e last nights clothes into his regular long sleeve shirt and black jeans. It seemed like he was writing something. And then, There it was again. The silence. She tried to ignore it as she walked in "Harry, Hi!".

He turned in his chair and looked at her a friendly expression on his face. A small smile that didn't reached his eyes. "DA Cecile Horton! Hey! What are you doing here?" He asked a little bit too fast. Playing with the hem of his left sleeve. "I was meeting Caitlin for my check up and I thought I stop by and say hi, see how you're doing..." She answered looking at him. She stepped closer a little too close to his personal space. Did he looked nervous? Looking closely she could tell it was more than just nervous. He seemed like he was caught off guard or something. She was about to ask if everything was ok when a something else grabbed her attention. " Harry is that a blood stain on your keyboard? Are you hurt?" She looked him up and down.at this point he was literally clutching to his left sleeve. " Well, it's... Nothin, I mean no..." He started but the closed his mouth. And opened it again. Before he could say anything else. An alarm went off followed by Cisco's voice coming through the intercom " Harry, city hall, mr nobody , come to the cortex now." Harry looked at her and started to move out sighing a small " later" before he left. "Harry !" She called after him but...

he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long. It's been a little bit crazy lately. I hope you enjoy...  
> Thanks for the support. Lemme know what you think.


	5. Antidote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All the voices in my head are coming to life  
> They're getting louder and I'm, I'm terrified  
> How do you run from your own mind?  
> Is this what I've become?  
> Take it back, what have I done?  
> No one knows what goes on up inside my head  
> There is a new kind of poison and starting to spread  
> No one knows what goes on up inside my head  
> They don't think I need help  
> But I'm scaring myself  
> I just want to be okay  
> I just want to be okay"
> 
> Antidote by Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger warning***

He picked the long way and run all the way down to the cortex. It helped him get his mind clear. Cecile almost caught him. He has never been more grateful for Ramon's interruptions. He left the poor woman in the workshop. He knew she was just trying to look after him but he just needed some time alone to figure this out. He usually didn't need help. He just needed some time which was not something you get in central City. To be honest Harry himself wasn't sure why he did it. For a moment the urge, the need to feel something, just anything was too strong that he couldn't resist. After everything that happened in the past few days he felt like he was mixing a bit too much with his mind. Sometimes he couldn't tell what was happening inside and what was the reality. He used to feel like that a lot Since he was very young and he was feeling better for a while on his own. But lots of grounds have shifted in the past few years. And this time, for the first time, he was actually scaring himself.

"What's going on?" He asked as he entered the main lab. Standing beside Cisco and Barry, a little out of breath. Cisco barely looked at him before he answered " facial recognition app identified out suspect in the city hall" he motioned to the screen in front of him. The footage in front of him showed a clear image of "Mr nobody" in the city hall. For someone who didn't know it might look just like a normal guy in tuxedo. Jane maximized the image to get a better look. "What is even there that can have him interested?" She asked looking at the feed. It seemed just like a regular ceremony." We can figure that out after I caught him." Said Barry as he wanted to move but Harry stopped him, "Wait , Allen. Think. the guy can jump into other people's body. An evil haunted speedster is the last thing we need." He let go of Barry's arm as he saw the meaning of his words settling into Barry's features."ok then what should we do guys... We can't just let him be..." Barry asked frantically. " Okay... that building is hosting a ceremony for central City college."Cisco announced.

Jane moved a bit further toward the center of the room. Eyeing the monitors." So it's fool of scientists?". Her question was answered with a "hmm" from the boys. " The last time I saw him, he was trying to make a giant master killer robot but not quite managed it."

"So he's ..."

" Gathering information."

" Yeah information."

Harry and Cisco said at the same time. Barry keep pacing nervously. While Jane locked her eyes on the monitor. "Maybe if we could build something that could cut out his mojo disturbing his nerves system using the frequency he uses for his teleportation?" Cisco looked at them . They had done something in this line with Earth 2 metas before and he was hoping with little adjustment it works. Harry weighed the option a little bit and just for a second a look passed on his face. A small twitch in his eyes when he got a brilliant idea or some kind of a solution. He crossed his arms the small impact making him tense for a second. and bent over Cisco's shoulder to take a look at his notes " That would take too long... Maybe if we concentrated all that on brain..."

...Waves"

...Waves"

Yeah that could totally be something." Cisco finished for him already walking towards the exit with Harry "Keep an eye on him" he shout over his shoulder to Barry and Jane. "Do you think it's gonna work?" Jane looked at Barry. Her eyes a little hopeful. She was still in the same clothes from the other day. " We'll find a way Jane. We always do." He tried to sound convincing. He didn't know what could they possibly do if someone like Nobody joined Devo.

_________________________________ 

Cecile's day at work was rather busy but then every once in a while her thoughts drifted away to her friend. She didn't know Harry for too long. The first time she saw the guy his appearance unnerved her. He looked like a murderer after all and his behaviors didn't left much room for small talks. It took her a while to see him. It was the way he worked with the others in the team. The way he cared for them in his own way. And the way he interacted with his daughter. He cared for all of them deeply, she noticed and for the people in general. He was staying on the Earth that wanted him dead and helping those people after all without any expectations.

Cecile sighed and leaned back in her chair.she didn't mean to connect the dots in her mind but Harry's situation seemed to go a way back before. She replayed everything that happened in her mind. How blank his mind went as if he wasn't there anymore, his outbursts, his tendency to feel guilty for things he couldn't control. The other night it actually felt like he wasn't there. She remembered him talking, not just saying stuff but actually talking with someone. And today in the lab... She didn't let her mind wander in dark places. But she also knew if she wanted to help Harry she needed some professional opinion. She suddenly jumped out of her sit gathering her bag and coat. She dialed a number on her phone hurriedly. It took few seconds for they to pick up." Hi Iris... Can you do me a favor. I was supposed to pick Joe's clothes from dry-cleaning on my way home but I gotta go somewhere emergency. Could you probably go get them?" She took a nervous breath as she finished.

There was a small pause before Iris answered slightly worried " that won't be a problem but is everything okay ? Do you need me to go with you?"

"No everything is absolutely ok with me. So no worries. Thank you Iris." She barely heard her goodbye as she shoved he phone in her pocket as she left the office. It was time to go and get some advice from new yet apparently the team flash therapist good doctor.

_____________________________

"Where is your younger funnier shadow?" Asked Jane as she walked in the door. Harry was sitting on a bench behind a long metal table in the back of the workshop, a massive device in front of him as he was attaching some wires. He wasn't going to acknowledge her hoping she would go away but there was something different. Deep down Harry felt almost happy to see her. Well not her particularly, just someone else. Ramon left for coffee to jitters less than half an hour ago. For Harry it was getting harder and harder to work alone recently. With someone there he could find something to draw on the sense of reality. But on his own he felt like a cornered animal unable to get the images, the voices out. So he was at least a little relieved that he wasn't alone. Jane's voice was softer and somehow felt lighter. An alarm went on in his brain as he remembered her condition. This could be anyone. He looked up slowly yet sharply taking in her appearance. If this was one of the wrong ones he preferred to know who is going to end him.

So he looked her up and down looking for some clue about her power. She really did look normal. Just like Jane. With few small differences. Her entire feature was so light and she seemed like someone you could sit with and pour your heart out to. She stood straight comfortably unlike Jane who always looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The might have looked identical but at last he could actually tell the difference.

"Not Jane..." Harry half said, half asked.

"No, not Jane..." She answered softly confirming his suspicions, a small smile on her face as she took a step closer and stretched her hand waiting to shake Harry's."Liza Radley" she introduced herself," it's finally nice to see you." He looked at her hand for a second before he turned his head back to the device in front of him. He closed the hatch and connect the device with couple of portable cables to the all-in-one computer in the other side of the table and started to add some codes to original algorithm. "What do you want?" He asked after a few minutes as he pushed the enter key on the keyboard so the program updates itself. He turned around slowly in his chair looking back at Liza - apparently - who has been watching him in silence for good few minutes now. " I kinda woke up in the hallway behind the door so I technically have no idea exactly what Jane wanted although I think it was about what you were working on." She shrugged dismissing the topic with a wave of her hand. "But I think she kinda just wanted me to handle it for a while."

"And how are YOU going to HANDLE.... this?" Harry asked a little alarmed adding extra pressure on the words YOU and HANDLE with a slight pause.

Liza observed the man in front of him for a second. His tense pasture, his walls literally too thick that she suspected she might be able to physically feel them, it didn't go unnoticed to her how he paused mid sentence distracted for a second as he briefly glanced at the far corner of the room behind her. The actions all too familiar. She grabbed an empty chair from behind the messy looking table in the left and sat down. "It's my job to help Jane. I don't have any special powers but I'm here when she needs me", she leaned back in her chair as she continued," you see Jane has been through a lot, met quite lots of horrible people. So she needs me when she meets other people. Because she doesn't know how to handle the other kind. People like your friends or you. The good guys."

Harry puffed a breath out of his chest as the word good was placed beside his name. "So you're her inner psychiatrist?" He didn't mean it to sound so bitter but he couldn't help it." I'm her friend, I'm there for her when she needs me. The first time I woke up Jane the blood of the lamb just went down. "

"A what now?" Harry looked slightly confused with where she was going with this. And that name? Dear lord, Ramon is going to find whomever picked that and kill them.

"She's one of us. Just a lot more bloody and messy. Literally. Everybody thinks she might have some kinda superpower or anything but she usually just stands there, talks to Jane. But I don't think of her like that. Jane hated her because deep down she's all Jane is afraid of. She's the monster Jane sees in herself. That's why she has me doctor. You can have 62 superpowers and still need a friend when things get blurry."

"Why are you telling me all these?"Harry really didn't know what to make of her words. Her smile got a little bit warmer as she said "because you have the same look on you too Harry." Harry wanted ask her what did she mean but the computer chose that exact moment to start beeping. And it ment that the device was safe to use.

They both turned to look at the computer for a second. "We got him..." Liza said behind him. Harry looked at her for another second before he went to the left and spoke in the mic "Guys, we're a go." There was a woosh before Barry, Cisco and Iris were standing there. "You figured why it kept shutting down?" Asked Cisco as he put down their coffees on the table. Ralph and Caitlin entered the room out of breath as well. "Algorithm" was all Harry said with a nod, his eyes not leaving Liza. " That's Liza" he introduced her briefly. "Oh!"Barry exclaimed as they all turned around to look at her. " Nice to meet ya?I guess..." He screwed his face with a confused reaction rubbing the back of his head. which earned an smirk from both Iris and Liza. " So you're... She's... What is going on?" Ralph looked at Caitlin helplessly." She put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly with a small giggle and told him"I'll explain it to you later." Which really didn't change his expression. "Barry we're ready." Cisco sighed still looking at the screen standing beside Harry. "Alright..." Was all Barry said before leaving.

____________________________

"Flash vs Mr nobody" was the news headline as Cecile drove to the labs. It felt really good Everytime she heard how her friends and family saved the city and got out all in one piece. she already got a text from Iris that everyone was meeting at a movies before Jane leaves and takes Me nobody with A.R.G.U.S 's help back to her city to meet justice. She also knew not all of them will be there. Her chat with the doctor helped a lot more than she excepted. For now she just wanted to make sure that Harry knows whenever he wants he has a friend to turn to and that she's there for him even if he doesn't want to share anything or when he doesn't feel good as much as he feels better. She needed him to know that she doesn't see him any differently. That's why she decided to go to the kitchen get Two cups of coffee and a snack and then find him. The last task though being unnecessary as she was met with the sight of him leaning against the counter as the coffee machine was working. He was facing the door yet hasn't noticed her arrival as he was deep in thoughts. That was another thing Cecile wanted to do. Not reading his thoughts and let him share what he needs. She left her jacket and purse on the couch as she went and stood on the other side of the counter in front of him. "Harry.. hey!" She said maybe a little bit too loudly as he jumped a step back caught off guard. "DA Cecile Horton." Harry greeted as he pulled himself together with a smile.

"Hello Harry" she returned the smile. Harry turned around to face the machine adjusting new settings and a preparing light roasted beans instead of his usual dark ones to put in the machine, after he poured himself a mug of his favorite coffee. " Decaf Cortado ?" He asked already starting to warm up the milk. She didn't expect him to remember her favorite but she appreciated the gesture. " Thanks Harry."

They stood in a comfortable silence as he prepared tow mugs of coffee delicately.she never have seen him doing this. Making a black eye for himself and a Cortado for her. He looked like he was making a new tech completely consumed by the task, a satisfied expression on his face as he looked at the final result and moved to the couch. She went to sit beside him as he handed her , her coffee. Harry took a sip from his mug humming in approval. " I had a conversation with liza today" he said out of nowhere. Well starting a conversation like that from him wasn't what she expected. And she had no idea who liza was. " One of Jane's... Well selves" Harry explained obviously noticing her confusion on her face. She waited for him to go on as she didn't know what to make of this new information. He sank in the pillows behind him as he brought the mug close to his face inhaling the smell of his strong coffee as if trying to borrow some of it's strength. His eyes lingered at the place behind her for a second before he returned his eyes to his coffee. "About the other night... " He started."I'm sorry about what happened, and about what you said, I..." He seemed to be struggling with his words a little.

Cecile leaned a bit closer to him and gave him a reassuring smile" I meant everything I said Harry. Look..."

"I know , you were right"

"I... Wait what?" She was surprised by his words. She had actually prepared a long speech to convince him but this definitely was not going as she expected. Her reaction brought a little smile on his face as he looked up at her. 

"Everybody needs a friend when things get blurry" was all he said to answer her confusion. His eyes hopeful.

_" No one will stay like this"_

"You will always have us Harry." She patted his knee letting him know it was okay if he wanted to talk.

_" They won't stay not for you..."_

He shifted in his place and took a big gulp of his coffee before he spoke again." I think there always have been..." He looked at the spot before he closed his eyes and continued " my mind, my... Feelings never really got along well I presume. Everything always too real or too close that sometimes... Sometimes I couldn't say which was real and which wasn't. It was the worst after the war. My wife..." His voice slightly broke at that.

_"And what did you do for her?"_

Cecile realized he really never actually talks about her. So she moved a little closer putting her hand on his knee waiting for him. She didn't want to rush it now that he decided to trust her. Harry took a deep breath before he continued." She helped a lot. She always knew what to do. How too keep both me and Jesse safe. And when it got too bad she stayed. Even when I didn't cope really well with all of it" at that he unconsciously rubbed his left wrist. Rubbing small circles on the place above his sleeve length and Cecile had a feeling that she knew what he meant. She understood his fears and she was gonna make sure he knew they were wrong. These won't change how they saw him.

_"Stop"_

" She helped me with a lot, also helped me to meet this therapist." He stopped. Waiting for her reaction.

_"She won't stay!"_

She stayed. Cecile gave her a reassuring nod. "He thought that the what I... " He looked there again, the action hasn't gone unnoticed to her. Now she was sure it meant something. "What I... Hear, or... Or what I see, is just a reflection of what, what I see in myself."

For that moment it took all her willpower not to throw her arms around him. She just wished she could protect her friend from all those bad feelings but she also knew this wasn't the time to act emotional so she listened instead. "Ramon, the other day, said I should treat all my selves with a little bit more compassion, whatever that means but..."

He looked down again ," I don't think I can do that on my own. "

And Cecile's heart broke at that. She put her mug on the table and moved closer to him. Their knees touching as she put her hands on his "Harry you're not alone, none of these makes us love you less or leave you. You're our friend. You're always the same Harry for us. The hard ass guy who would do anything to keep people safe , you're smart and kind and You're always there for us when we need you. You're always honest with us and You're an amazing friend Harry. You're family. And no matter what it takes we will do whatever we can to make you believe that too. Because that's what family does."

"You're spending a way too much time with Ramon" he said trying to lighten up the mood a little

"Well maybe you should listen to him more often." She leaned forward throwing her arms around him .

_"She's lying!"_

Harry's body tensed for a second before he leaned into the hug. If Cecile notice a small wetness on her shoulder, she didn't say anything. His secret was safe with her.

They stayed like that for a minute before they pulled back and leaned in the cushions. "It would have been good if I could get some outside look in it, but with this face... "

"Iris told me about this device HR had..."

"No" he said a little bit louder than intended his body was all tensed up again. "I just hate looking in the mirror and see someone else..." He continued slower as his eyes drifted back to that spot again. His face unreadable. Cecile hadn't intended to read his mind and that was why she was a little surprised when a small image crossed her mine. Something that she was sure that wasn't hers. A face, colored with what felt like death, empty eyes and lips pressed in a line , silver veins stretched under the skin, it had a shade of Harry's face in it and she knew, deep down, what it was. It took her a second to pull herself together again. "It's ok... If it's what you want there is this person who kinda is aware of the whole flash team situation. Maybe her?" She said as she waited for his answer. He looked at her again and she saw his features softened a little. " I think that's alright DA Cecile Horton." And he took another sip of his coffee in silence.

"Alright" Cecile nodded as she picked up hers from the table again...

This might be a long road but he's going to be alright, she thought to herself as they drank their coffees in a comfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a rather long one... I'm sorry it took so long. And the last one for this  
> Lemme know what you think.  
> Kodus and comments are appreciated


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